"I'm not over"

The song I am playing on repeat currently. I find is quite motivating, especially given current circumstances.

In which Tara does something borderline crazy

I, Tara, made a rational decision the other day.

I decided it was time to start running again.

Now, I know some of you are sitting there going, well, so what. Lots of people jog, run 5K/marathons/Ironmans, what's so different about you?

Honest, nothing really. I'm just a lazy couch potato of a person who watches the joggers go by on my daily walk to and from school who's like, hum, that could be interesting. At the same time, everytime I have those thoughts, the other part of my brain goes, you know, your knees, they can't handle it. Just keep walking.

So I decided on Friday to say, screw you knees, I'm going to try. I used to love going out for a run and I want to. So there.

And I did it. More or less. I ran 3 minutes out of 30, but today, I ran 4 minutes out of 30. You might be lying on the floor, roaring with laughter, but I am proud of myself. I know that if I keep going, I will make it to 5 minutes, than 10, and eventually 30.

So I just need to keep running and keep telling my brain that I can do it. Contrary to popular belief.

Getting your flirt on

Flirting is not something I'm naturally good at. I've realized that over the years. I'm not sure if it's because I'm shy, or it's due to situations in which I have no idea what the best route to take, but I find that I'm just not very good at it. I'm not one of those girls that you see at a bar, who flips their hair, stares you straight in the eyes, and obviously plays hard to get. No, that's not me.

That being said, I like when a guy flirts with me. A nice guy, of the variety who wants to get to know me, and has some flirting thrown in. And given the right conversation, I can flirt right on back.

The plus side of this kind of flirting is that it feels good. It's a seriously nice boost to my self-esteem after the funk I've been in. It was amazing to have those butterflies fluttering away in my stomach, beating rapidly. It was also amazing to learn that to some guys, I'm still sexually attractive and not as washed up as I thought I was.

All in all, a good night and a nice change of pace.

Hump Days

When I used to work summer camp, we would call Wednesdays "Hump Days" because it was the point in the week where we were halfway through a fun week, as well as half way to being done. That being said, it was one of those days that had the perfect amount of "hurrahs!" to "hums".

Personally, I've been having a lot of hump days lately. Days where I thought nothing was right with the world, that I, as a person, had yet to achieve the goals that I wanted in life, and that I was lacking meaning in my life. Yes, my dear readers, meaning. For lack of a better term, I was having an existential crisis.

A large part of this crisis was around the topic of being single, which is definately not a comfortable stance for me. I find that I am at the point in my life where many of my friends are getting engaged, married, or inleast shacking up with their significant others. I'm in one wedding this summer as a Maid of Honor to one of my best friends and helping two others with their own weddings, one in October of this year and one in October of next. Like it or not, I've got wrapped up into wedding mode.

Now don't get me wrong, I've very happy that my friends are getting married. I have hug them in celebration, I have cried from happiness, I have sent engagement cards. I tried to celebrate with them in their happiness.

And it worked. Until I found out that my ex-boyfriend was engaged and I was still alone.

Now, I know that being single is not the same as being alone, but I felt that way. I sometimes still feel that way. I feel that I am wondering aimlessly in this world of paired off couples and I am doing it alone.

That being said, I don't think that there is one easy answer to this question. Rather, I think it's a journey, a journey that I've been on for a while and I think I will be for a while.

Mind you, an exit ramp in the shape of a guy who wants to date me, than propose to me, than marry me, would be absolutely lovely. A girl can dream, right?

Being a bad, bad blogger

It's been over a month since I've written on my blog. For the sake of the three people in the world who may or may not read my blog, I'm sorry. I've been a bad blogger. If you could see me now, you would be able to see that I am scolding myself as we speak (uh... type).

Anyways, I won't provide you with crazy details at this time, but they will be mentioned/talked about in future posts. Needless to say, there is more to loving yourself than meets the eyes (or Valentine's Day).

Healthy vs. Happy

I'm going to be honest today. I'm trying to lose weight and become a shape for two reasons: to be healthier and to feel happier about myself.

The healthier bit is one that I believe most people, including my doctor, agree with. I need to lose weight, simply because it is not good to carry around extra weight for lots of reasons, including diabetes, heart disease, and cancer. Hence, why I want to lose some of it.

Now, it's time for a disclaimer: I am quite happy in regards to myself 90% of the time. I love my program and my career path, which allows me to contribute to the "greater good". I have amazing friends, a darling apartment, and I'm relatively healthy. However, the second someone reminds me that I'm still single at 26, that I can't afford a car, a Blackberry, or a trip to Europe, or that I won't look as good in a bikini as a size 4 model, the happiness starts to fade a little. Needless to say, I can be as shallow everyone else.

So how does happiness relate to my weight loss goal? The quick answer is: I want to look good in a bikini, I want to no longer have a muffin top, I want to make my ex-boyfriend jealous when he sees pictures of me on the internet. Now, I'm not too sure how these things are necessarily going to make me happier, going to make me feel better about myself, but I sometimes, those things are what are motivating me to workout. And sometimes, shallow motivation is better than no motivation at all.

Week Three Weigh-in

Good news!

I've lost 5 pounds. I'm down to 160! Yahoo!

So what's my BMI? 27.5. That's a .7 improvement over my starting BMI. Not bad if I do say so myself.

I still have another 20 pounds to lose, ideally by May. Fingers cross that this weight loss continues!